мед на сталье

Just a thought.

2009-03-07T18:15:00.004-06:00

Besides that one major/minor discrepancy, I always thought I could love you. Maybe.

six songs

2009-02-20T21:16:00.003-06:00

Pick six songs to describe the world: its people and its current state.

Ashes of American Flags - Wilco
Casimir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens
I Feel Like the Mother of the World - Smog
The Card Cheat - the Clash
This Deed - Electrelane
You Ain't Goin' Nowhere - Bob Dylan

Tough, ja? I need a beer.

... makes me want to rock out

2009-02-08T16:38:00.003-06:00

How do you get someone to see something that isn't actually there?

I took an IQ test unknowingly and found out mine is in the 97th percentile of those in the 18-24 range. I should use my brain more.

Felix Gonzalez-Torres, I know that it isn't about the light bulbs, it's about the burning out. I don't think I could love anyone who couldn't see it.

I get to carry the casket at the funeral on Wednesday. I just didn't think it was right to find someone Grandpa didn't know to do it when I'm totally capable.

Unlike the installation, our light bulbs don't get replaced. We have to burn alone 'til we end. I'm a little sad you can't see the visual importance of that.

On a less cryptically depressing note, I still think it's funny when people ask me where the White Castle is in MPLS (Blaisdell and Lake folks. Seriously.)

Goodbye

2009-02-06T13:17:00.002-06:00

My all time favorite family member died today. I was a long time coming but the room is still spinning. Mom is upstairs calling the family.

Bye Grandpa. Please please please be somewhere good. I know you were scared.

Boran ducz Grandpa! Goodbye forever childhood!

I'm just going to be honest.

2009-02-02T19:52:00.002-06:00

It kind of (and by kind of I mean really) sucks that the first guy I've met in a year and am actually really into thinks I'm a total wackjob.

Balls! I'm a loser.

Feels like: -2

2009-01-28T22:24:00.002-06:00

So Spencer and I along with Spencer's grandpa and Ace take a walk at seven and already my hair has begun to tangle. My shoes are soaked with dew and by the end of the walk at eight, it's already 82 (feels like 90.) Later we go to LeHunt and come back tick covered and disheveled from our romp through the overgrown ghost town. Anna meets up with us and we go on a hike (get tick covered again) and end up at Elk City Lake where it's only proper that we go for a swim.

I just want to feel the burning upper current mix with the cold dark water against my skin right now. Please winter weather, it's time to end. You may very well literally be killing me.

I want to take a bath

2009-01-21T15:16:00.003-06:00

But I can't! New tattoo you see.

Back in school now, so unfortunately. Lawrence is nice, but I can't get over Kansas City. I'm in love.

I just found the girl Rivers Cuomo wrote the song "Pink Triangle" about was not, in fact, a lesbian. I feel like junior year of high school was just crushed.

Christ. There are at least two and a half hours of daylight left. I think I'll take a walk forever.

dessert math

2009-01-08T22:47:00.004-06:00

+ + = totally delishuss.

I'm thinking A LOT about Harry Darger.

Smells like my soul.

2009-01-02T19:24:00.002-06:00

Like an old cave. Like tunnels running underneath all my favorite places. Warm and wet. Ahh... I just ordered this today and I can't wait.

Taylor sent me a picture of Mork and Mindy for Christmas and Max and I talked for almost two and a half hours today. Happily unproductive productivity? Very.

I'm felting my lunch sack. I haven't done it in so long and i forgot what a pain it is. My washing machine is too old and frail to felt it on its own, so that leaves me in the basement, hands soaking in scalding water rubbing wool together like a madperson. Bah.

G.O.B. survived his mystery illness. No one knows what he had, but I believe he was cured by Brian's shaman friend in Jamaica Plain. Thanks for making that trip to pray for my cat, Sebastian. Dill pickle to my cheese...

I don't want to go back to Lawrence. I wish UMKC was actually a good school so I could go there and love where I live. I'm tired of college students. I want to live with real people.

слишком мило!

2008-12-28T11:37:00.004-06:00

http://www.mosmetro.ru/

It is unfortunate getting to Greenland is so difficult. I think it would just be easier to sail there.

that was a good tree

2008-12-24T18:59:00.002-06:00

I'm sort of excited/confused about tomorrow since all I asked for was a replacement tampon case and there are five presents under the tree with my name on them.

Oh and hey! Happy holidays!

I started reading "Nausea"

2008-12-23T00:06:00.002-06:00

by Sartre. Here's what I've concluded so far:

1. Existentialism has little or no place in the 21st century.
2. Philosophy in general is a subject limited to white bourgeois Europeans who have/had way too much time to sit around and think about this crap thinking what they're thinking about is important. Not like I didn't already know that, but this book is a constant reminder.

I'm off to a good start this break. I picked out a bike color, reconstructed a shirt and started knitting this so far. Unproductive productivity, here I come!

hold me to this!

2008-12-20T00:46:00.000-06:00

Things I WILL do over break:

paint my bike
research the history of the Vogels in Shawnee, KS
read one really satisfying book that has nothing to do with academia
sew curtains for my kvartira
knit something fun
sew myself an adult sized onesie
photodocument
record more perfect noises
spend as much time as I can in the city I am so enamored with

I want to feel accomplished.

Dear Legs,

2008-12-19T00:07:00.000-06:00

It's winter now. That means you get to be hairy and warm and free for another three months! Are you excited? I am!

Laura

it's worth a thought

2008-12-11T13:35:00.000-06:00

Where do I begin, proceed to disperse amongst the rest of the population, then begin myself again? It's strange how I get lost in there.

Sometimes I don't mind being a mish-mash of the culture I grew up in and sometimes it bugs me that society could look at me and only stare back at itself.

Tim Keel said on Sunday it is never a good idea to let your work define you, and I wondered if it was a sin that someday all I want to be is my work. I don't really need anything anymore. Why not let the people I'm helping have at me?

I just don't want to imagine myself working with people who I'm trying to help reintegrate into society while I go home, have a lobster dinner, turn on the news and say 'how sad'.

My favorite winter albums

2008-12-02T15:18:00.001-06:00

Winter is coming. These remind me of the cold mostly because I heard them for the first time when it was chilly, but don't listen to them to warm up. In no particular order...

Fugazi - Repeater +3 Songs

Get yourself pumped up to snap shoppers out of their consumer comas. The best time for this album is mid to late November when it's freezing, but there's no happy, frosty precipitation to show for it. Listen to Turnover taking a walk on a cold, gray afternoon.

Inerpol - Turn on the Bright Lights

Everything about this album is lonely and dark and cold, which is great right after the new year when you realize you really AREN'T going to follow through on those resolutions. Listen to Untitled when you're driving through Westport on a very dark, snow-sloshy early evening, but only if you're the only one in the car.

Smog - A River Ain't Too Much to Love

I'm really running with a "lonesome" theme. Listen to Drinking at the Dam when you've reached the middle of the countryside on your winter road trip. It's best in the afternoon with an overcast sky with a clean, dry sheet of snow covering corn fields.

Sigur Ros - Agaetis Byrjun

Who the hell doesn't listen to this album in the winter? Listen to Olsen Olsen when it is sleeting in early February, but you're still happy to be running around the neighborhood you grew up in.

the Raveonettes - Whip it On

Too fantastic! Listen to Cops On Our Tail before you go sledding with that special someone on a sunny day in January.

It's December now, and I can't wait to get my lightbox.

It's murder on your folk career...

2008-11-28T18:25:00.000-06:00

Desaparecidos. The greatest thing Conor Oberst ever did. I'm falling in love all over again.

Today is Buy Nothing Day! I hope you bought nothing! Today has claimed three lives.

America teh Beautiful.

Неплохо! Правда?

2008-11-18T20:38:00.000-06:00

If life for the next 18 hours = Russian, and Russian = major failure in the life of Laura, then the next 18 hours = major failure.

Меня не нравится русского класса :(

Please just let me survive this semester, and the next one and the next one and the next one.

I wish you were still how I think you were then. I hate to make assumptions about pasts I don't know.

Bitchin', not a bitch.

2008-11-14T13:39:00.000-06:00

Chin up. Kind of makes me look like I am ready to take a blow to the face.
But my therapist tells me some amazing things no one's told me before. Like how the "ready-to-take-a-blow-to-the-face" look is probably a good thing.

Taylor is gone. She went very quickly, too. There's only one reason to stay the weekends in KC anymore. Reason = Carina, however Carina = always working. I feel like the part of my life that revolves around my best friends has suddenly gotten very sad. I lost her to the mountains! But who HASN'T lost someone to the mountains?
Je t'aime mon ami.

Lesson: LEARNED

2008-10-25T16:46:00.000-05:00

I will not:

- be a masochist anymore
- yep, no more masochism
- spend the night somewhere when i know the reasons i am staying a futile.

God damn! I like liking myself. I don't want to hate me!

But then again I didn't want to be just another shitty lesson learned either.

The sum of my parts

2008-10-12T19:02:00.000-05:00

I told Steve last night that sometimes I still go sailing, and I think it was because his sister had just gotten done being married but he had tears in his eyes. He said, "I'm glad to hear that." As I walked away I realized that everything I am (and I do mean everything) is a tiny piece of someone else, physically, I am both of my parents and my brother and I are also kind of each other. But everything else that I am is everything else. Tristan, my old boss, taught me to love everything that grows in the ground or on a vine or on a tree, Melinda introduced me to Craig Finn and Steve, one of my old best friend's brother, taught me to love the open water and harness it with a boat and sail. And the neat thing is that everyone is like this. Gestalt Theory rules!

Anyway, if this isn't a reason to do good in the world in the name of everyone who's ever made you who you are, I don't know what is.

It doesn't matter what you do or how you do it, but you have to do good. For you and your past and your present and your future.

All of my activism, I dedicate to you Jana.

Home and Where the Heart Is

2008-09-20T15:51:00.000-05:00

Last night I broke the number one rule of college: DON'T DRINK THE JUNGLE JUICE. I now know why it's the number one rule. I managed to avoid a deathly hangover by only partaking in a cupful, but a cupful of something with a bottle of everclear in it is still no good. I live to see another day, but good golly, I'll never pull that again. Now I've been banned from home because of The Big Game. The trials of living a block from the KU Memorial Stadium. This is a pretty good excuse to go home, me thinks.

I had the most wonderful dream last night about walking from Kansas City to Lawrence with a group of rebel vagabonds. We were like the Lost Boys from Peter Pan. All along the way we'd break into people's houses and sleep there and steal crap from anywhere we could get it. In fact, I woke up in the middle of it, fell back to sleep and started dreaming about it again. It was awesome! Especially the part where it started raining.

Lately I've had a hankering to move back to Kansas City. Every time I go and spend time in midtown or sit on the back patio of Broadway, my heart gets all big and sad. I miss it. Me and KC... I know we have a future together.

Out with the new, in with the old...

2008-09-12T10:19:00.000-05:00

I probably should have read for Western Civ, but I didn't of course. As far as I know, the class has been a requirement for everyone because the Uni feels it important to know where we did good (and bad) in history so that we may continue progressing in society (or not). I hope my generation hasn't reached stasis, because nobody else does the reading either. But I also think there about a thousand other classes that would compel kids to get up and make change that are far more inspiring than Western Civ. Gosh, I guess I wish people would just find SOMETHING to care and yell and get angry about besides trying all 235 flavors of Sno Cone (that was on the cover of the UDK yesterday, of course.)

Here's to less apathy, University of Kansas.

In other news, I am getting over myself as of three days ago. I'm done being the reason I feel like shit.

Beautiful women will never become supermodels.

2008-08-27T10:39:00.000-05:00

Which is fine with me. Polina Porizkova just said that most high fashion models she knows are hideous without make-up. Which is not me. But I do notice that high fashion models have very distinct facial proportions which makes for an eye-catching advertisement (or a really scary end to a one-night stand, but whatever).

Completely unrelated to this, there are some activities I think I could really get into if I had the time, including but not limited to:

marathon running
graffiti
soap making
glass blowing
toy and miniature collecting

Today, I will reconnect with someone who used to be very near to my heart, and I do hope that she will work her way back in there. I do really enjoy getting to know people all over again and bringing that friendship back around on a whole different plane. Of course this is assuming that friendships improve over time. I am, slightly needless to say, excited.

I used to watch Home Improvement with my family around dinnertime, and I don't remember much more than that, like if I liked it or not. But I am watching reruns of the show on TBS and I see now that all it does is promote misogyny and absolute stupidity on the half of domestic male partners. And I hate the way they hide one of the only intelligent men on the show behind a fence and the behind an effeminate persona. Fuck you, Tim Allen. Fuck. You.

A word to the wise:

2008-08-21T21:53:00.000-05:00

If you are a woman taking antidepressants, you consume almost 1.5 times the alcohol per year than women not suffering from depression and not taking antidepressants.

I read THAT in Blue Paper Daily. Actually, I read it here.

How discouraging!

Anyways, I'm 20 now and I don't know how I feel about that. There's a little part of me that wishes I could be seventeen forever. And it's not because of Stephin Merritt or Craig Finn. No guys! I just wish I could drive around forever on lonely weekend nights and listen to Belle & Sebastian. Right now, those are some of my fondest memories off all, I think. I think I feel pretty okay about the fact that some of the best times I had in high school were spent alone with just my memories.